Pyrite

Huh
So that’s where you’ve been hiding
I’d swear I checked here before
Hell, I remember the days after
The realization
That I had lost you
The racing of wires through my valves
The skin lifting off my forearms
As I pulled back every dresser
Sifting through entire civilizations of dust bunnies
I tracked back the weeks since I had seen you last
Stepping in each deep cut
Like the second man in after a heavy snow

I traced and scoured
I searched as much as felt
Across ever side street
I might have taken
Every alley where I might have pissed
And you were nowhere to be found
No boxes bore you
In the bookshops I’d wandered to
Floating on the tugging current
Of that guiding ache in my chest
And the lead punched my guts to the dead bottom
Where my soul had taken up residence
And I remember coming home to do it all again

Just to keep busy
The frantic need for something
To move myself closer to found
So I pulled apart ever cushion
And began unscrewing my old game cartridges
I checked all the prepositions
The blender and bread box could own
I took apart the u-bend of the sink
And I went through the mountain at the dump
Where my apartment complex’s shit collects

I sifted the old shells on the floor of the bar
I used the chair in the back corner
Of every room I’ve ever been in
As a center for the search radius
You weren’t in the coffee tin
You weren’t in the safety deposit box
Where I keep my loving and vulnerables
You weren’t in the place least expected either

So I tried to join you and lose myself
But that proved harder than finding you
Eventually I just dried out enough
To stick myself back together
I moved on
And now
Now
That I’ve finally moved out
Here you are
Behind the refrigerator

I know I heaved the icebox out
From its gloomy alcove
I remember
I found that magnet I bought back in ’93
Yeah
And the scoop for my french press too
But not you

So, how is it
That you have come to be here
After all this time

I had to learn to live
Amputated
I finally made peace
Acceptance
And I got stronger
Losing you made me see
How much a crutch
You were
And I get now
Why you were in the vessel
Pandora opened
Waaaaay at the bottom
With all the nasty
You were shoved deepest

I see you now
Not the beautiful lie you project
But the ugly truth you try to hide

I’ll leave you hidden here
You are someone else’s to find now
Now that I know I don’t need you

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About Moly

Average, boring, self-involved human. Twitter: @CultOfCocktails Facebook: facebook.com/MolyTov
This entry was posted in Poetry, Written, Written Work and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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