Been searching for something to say, coming up dry.. I realize that was a vague, broad-side-barned sort of phrasing.. just meant in a here/now posting sort of way.
I’ve been offline, I’d say sorry.. But who the fuck am I apologizing to? And, more importantly, why? I’ve been getting shit in order in the real (though, most of my problems are constructs created by dick-bags far beyond my reach; these are, then, most unreal problems capable of consummately fucking me in the very real and very longterm).
A bit of preamble (for those hypothetical, non-existent readers of mine) to fill anyone who might be interested in before the point: I went back to California (I was born there, have I mentioned this? Probably, but I don’t really feel like looking back for something so pointless and trivial) and calmly confronted my abusive biological mother which gave some resolution, and before that I lost my house (no, I didn’t lose it, it’s exactly where it always was but I no longer live there). Good times, to be sure.
I had to brutally axe-murder my previous incarnation and bury all the other bodies I’d let stack up. Closure has finally come after some purging and vomiting all that black that had built-up out. This included some real vomiting, a lot of crying and screaming, one really bad night of drinking and making a shameful ass of myself in public, and… and I’m sorry. I am. Really, I’m sorry. Really. Really, really. Sort of. Okay. Seriously, I am sorry.
Honestly, I’ve never been happier. Really. I realize how saccharine that might seem, and despite “status”-based low points, I am completely blissful. My priorities are righted, my mind is clearing, I actually feel alive, and intellectually free. I sought refuge, as they say, and I fucking found it. Life is indeed good.
Don’t worry, I am still a miserable and hopeless cynic enrage by the cruelty and complete lack of logic I see blooming eternally in every corner of the goddamned room. I’m still a neurotic, socially awkward, self-loather to the fucking end (now with slightly less denial!).
Fuck, I wish I could talk to people. I hate how everyone seems so unapproachable and I hate feeling like a burden everywhere I go.
Anyway! Now that the intensely unpleasant catching-up is over, I want to share my most recent painting. I painted it yesterday on a lark, it is the first thing I’ve done in this medium with my left hand and I’m quite proud (a rarity, actually, a first). It is inspired by a day I spent wandering aimlessly in Manhattan recently, it was fucking awesome. Yeah. So. Here’s the painting:
I call it East. If you butter me up with a pity-fuck to my ego I might even give it up for free, I am that desperate for validation!
I have been turning out more artwork (across several mediums) than I’ve ever, so don’t expect me to become a stranger again. I’m blossoming so you fuckers better get ready for more!